Mourning my loss of womanhood

Next Friday I'm having a hysterectomy. It's not unexpected, I've had a few issues and we're hoping that removing my womb will sort those issues. I've been through menopause, so I'm not going to have hormone replacement therapy to deal with the loss of hormones.

I have a complicated relationship with my womb. Due to a genetic issue I have a unicornate womb - it's only half a womb. And I only have one ovary. I've often joked that I'm only half a woman, and attributed my love of rugby union, car stuff and beer to my missing half! I hate think how much worse my periods would have been if I'd had the whole thing!

Because of my issues I couldn't have children, so my womb has never really been used as it was intended. Dont get me wrong, I'm sad but not devastated that I couldn't have children, but I am still mourning the imminent loss of my womb and, potentially, my only ovary (my surgeon has said he will try to save it but he's not super confident). They signify to me that I am a woman. Without them what do I become? (I understand that my chromosomes actually make me a woman, but it seems that actually having the kit is also a big signifier for me.)

I'm not sure my husband understands why I'm so tense and snappy at present. I told him it's the same as if he was having his testicles removed.

So next Friday looms large. I'm not looking forward to the possible pain that will follow this surgery, but I am looking forward to not having to worry about how my womb issues are affecting other parts of my body.

The Rhythm of Life

Now that I'm moving through menopause I don't notice the rhythms of my body in the same way that I used to. But they're still there.  The monthly ebb and flow of hormones still continues and will, I guess, until I have finished menopause.

My hubby says he knows when I'm in the throes of a hormonal rush - I get a bit more intense. And grumpy. The plus side is that as I move towards what would have been my period my tolerance to alcohol increases (this has always been the case) and I find myself putting away a few drinks with little or no reaction. The downside (also always the case) is that my tolerance to alcohol post (my now non-existent, so hard to determine when) period is pretty much zero.  Overnight I go from bar room hero (aka lush) to wowser.

I'm going to miss the ebbs and flows when they eventually disappear. But I won't miss the effects they have had on my body over the years - sore boobs, bloating, moodiness (did I mention the grumps!), feeling out of sorts. I'm enjoying this generally peaceful state of being - I hope it continues.

Hormones

Once again this winter I have been woken in the early hours by my hormones.  Suddenly I'm feeling as if it's the middle of summer, rather than the depths of winter, and so off goes the bedding and, in some case, the clothing.

This is my second winter of hormonal discontent and I'm hoping it will be my last.  Early on I was able to snuggle down and bask in doona warmth all night long, but my hormones had another idea. I'm happy to be going through menopause (despite my youthful age) because having periods without being able to have children is the pits.

So I wake after another early morning bout of internal overheating, glad to get out bed away from the pesky bedding, into the shower where I can refresh, recharge and get on with the day.